Hey, Desert Scrub, Learn
Your “Golf Gloss”: Rome’s vocabulary a language unto itself

By Ryan Finley
GolfArizona.com Staff Writer

“That Cablinasian sure comes hard with the deathstick,” she proclaims. “But as a desert scrub, I think Eldrick would be better without Earl the gravy train and his ladles.”

Come again?

Translated, the woman thinks that Tiger Woods can drive a golf ball. As a resident of the state of Arizona, the object of your affection thinks Tiger would be better without the assistance of his father, who uses his son for financial gain.

The woman is a fan of the Jim Rome talk show. Rome, a syndicated talk show host with affiliates in both Phoenix and Tucson, has instituted his own language of sorts…and it’s catching on fast. Mornings from 9am until noon, callers from Rome’s 100 affiliates share their “takes” on the world of sports.

Surprisingly, Rome’s easily decipherable code is as popular with women as it is with men. Some of the show’s most popular “clones”, or callers, are females, who share their takes with the often-critical host.

Along with these takes come the “gloss”, short for glossary, that peppers Rome’s calls and faxes. Along with “gloss” about football (Former Notre Dame head coach Lou Holtz is dubbed “granny”, due to the fact his appearance resembles that of Grandma Clampett on “The Beverly Hillbillies), baseball (Mike Piazza is referred to as the “Strongest Man in SoCal” due to his strength and hometown), and other sports, there is gloss about golf.

Here are some of Rome’s greatest hits, along with some explanation of origin.

Most popular, and perhaps most vulnerable to media criticism, is Tiger Woods. Rome and his “clones”, or devoted listeners, refer to Tiger by a number of names: Eldrick (his birth name) and “The Cablinasian”, due to the fact that Woods once referred to himself as part Caucasian, part black, part Indian, and part Asian. Example: “The Cablinasian won the tournament this weekend.”

• Past GolfArizona.com course reviews • Past articles by Ryan Finley

Rome, in fact, often refers to the elder Woods’ desire to have his hands replaced with ladles, so he can figuratively lap up Tiger’s gravy (money) without wasting time. Example: “Earl Woods is a gravy train and should stick to training kids instead of writing books.”

In Rome’s “Jungle”, a driver is referred to as a “deathstick”, due to a club company Rome used to do advertising spots for. Despite being a driver, “deathstick” is also Rome’s nickname for beleaguered NBA player Shawn Bradley, who is incredibly thin. Example: “I rocked the ball with the deathstick, hitting it 250 yards. I looked like the Cablinasian out there.”

Greg Norman, another popular target, is referred to as “The Great White Guppy”, due to the inability of “the Shark” to finish off major tournaments. His perceived lack of intensity coupled with his nickname led Rome to criticize his quality of play. Example: “Did you see the Guppy choke another tournament?”

Jack Nicklaus is referred to as “the Olden Bear” for thinking he can compete in major tournaments at his age. Despite the respect Nicklaus commands in the game, Rome pulls no punches, applauding his spirit while doubting his current talent on the links. Example: “The Olden Bear should sit in a rocking chair instead of thinking he can still play with the big boys.”

Ray Knight, former manager of the Cincinnati Reds and husband of LPGA golfer Nancy Lopez is known as “Ray Lopez”, due to the fact that his wife’s accomplishments on the course overshadow his on the diamond. Example: “Ray Lopez is gravy-training Nancy for all her money.”

The phrase “You the man!” is often used on Rome’s show for any athlete’s accomplishment. This phrase also has golf overtones. A rabid golf fan is often heard screaming the exclamation after star golfers drive the ball. For example: “Eldrick! You the man! Look at what he did with the Deathstick.”

Finally, my personal favorite. People from the state of Arizona are known as “Desert Scrubs”, referring to the University of Arizona football team’s self-proclaimed Desert Swarm defense. For example: “The Desert Scrubs have this website that is solid.” My apologies for shameless self-promotion.

So, Desert Scrub, before you ruin it with another sports-savvy woman (who is, trust me, hard to find), learn Rome’s gloss. Be warned, though. While it may help you look like the Cablinasian at the bar, it won’t help you on the links.