By Ryan Finley
GolfArizona.com Staff Writer
Arizona has America’s best greens and some of its most devoted
fans. For the uninitiated, here’s 10 things I think every Arizona
golfer needs to do before he (or she, for that matter) ends up playing
a round with Saint Peter. For the average “golf nut,”
I challenge you to see how many you’ve accomplished…so
far.
#1: Go to Green Valley. A mere 20-minute drive south from Tucson,
this golf oasis houses some of the county’s finest fairways
and greens. Uninhibited by municipal sanctions and local buildings,
Green Valley courses boasts the ultimate golf experience. This
prompted one Green Valley pro to state that “the people of
Green Valley live to make sure that the golfer has the ultimate
links experience.”
#2: Visit one of Danny Ainge’s Hat Club at one of its many
Phoenix locations before a round of golf. Most golfers will admit
that a solid hat is a must for any round. Whether it’s a
fitted baseball cap hat or a golf-brand lid, enjoy one of man’s
simplest pleasures: a new hat. Just don’t come out of there
looking like Payne Stewart.
#3: Play a round of golf without the gloves. Just like early
1900’s boxing, going bare-knuckled proves what kind of a
player you are. Granted, calluses by the 9th hole will be expected,
but it’s part of the game. Just don’t try to drive home…steering
wheels are hard to grab with bloody, trembling hands.
#4: Play the Westin La Paloma Canyon 9 at noon in the summertime.
Want the ultimate golf experience? Play one of Tucson’s most
picturesque (not to mention pricey) courses when it’s 115
degrees outside. Beverages are a must. Just remember that beer
will dehydrate you even more in the intense heat. Stick with Gatorade
or water until the 19th hole, where you can watch an Arizona sunset
from the Tucson foothills’ most picturesque spots.
#5: Order, or at least watch, “Bikini Golf”, a video that
features coeds hitting the links in nothing other than their bikinis.
Call the 1-800 number to get this cheesy video mailed (in a plain
brown wrapper) to your house. Chunky Lummox is your host for this
38-minute romp that features some of golf’s most talented models
pitch, putt, and drive their way into your hearts (or pants, at
least). Watch Shay, Leah, and Morgan bring shame to “the gentleman’s
game” in the comfort of your own home. I encourage you to insert
your own shaft joke here…..
#6: Watch a tape of Robert Gamez winning the Tucson open. The
University of Arizona alum pulled orchestrated golf’s great
Cinderella story as he pulled off one of golf’s most entertaining
upsets in 1992. The portly Gamez has done little since, but his
crowning achievement is a feat every Arizonan should savor.
#7: Check out a college golf match. The state of Arizona houses
two of golf’s most powerful programs in ASU and the UofA.
A relaxed atmosphere filled with characters, college golf is one
of the most truly entertaining events around.
#8: Chase a coyote off of a fairway. The state is filled with
thousands of these dog-like pests. Attempting to drill one with
a ball is near impossible, but flinging an empty bottle or a club
in the direction of a coyote will usually get it to move. Despite
their creepy appearance and intimidating gait, the coyote is truly
one of Arizona’s most distinctive creatures. Now if it could
get the hell away from your ball…..
#9: Tour the Ping factory. Located in Phoenix, Ping is truly
one of golf’s classiest and most under-appreciated companies.
Try to bring a backpack large enough to sneak out a Zing or two.
See how clubs are made, the mathematics and physics involved in
creating a club, and rest safely knowing your slice is in good
hands.
#10: Drink a local beer at the 19th hole. Any decent course
bar will offer Samuel Adams, Heineken, or Guinness, but, just
once, be an Arizona original. Remember, all these other beers
can be enjoyed from St. Andrews to Pebble Beach, but where in
the hell could you get Rolling Thunder Ale anywhere but Arizona.
Drink up! Bonus points if you enjoy the beer while watching “Bikini
Golf” with bloodied, callused hands after playing a round
without gloves.
So, here they are. Feel free to email any other suggestions.
Remember, everybody is just one lightning bolt away from golfing
with John Wayne. So get cracking….and watch out for the coyotes.
Whirlwind Golf Club - Cattail